Monday, June 11, 2012

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily...A.K.A Dear Jesus, Please Don't Let Me Die In An Innertube

Welll...this weekend was LOADS O' FUN.  Yours truly was out in nature, enjoying all of it's splendor and being carelessly rammed into huge boulders in the name of FAMILY TIME.

Honestly, the fault was mine.  Last Thursday I was reading a blog about how few summers I have left with my son and I got all mushy and all I can say is...I claim insanity.

I hopped on the web with determination that we were going to have a GREAT TIME this weekend, and in the words of Clark Griswold...we were gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny Kaye.

(If you don't know that movie, I'll say a prayer for you tonight.  Because you are clearly in need of a cinematic education my friend.)

In the midst of the hopping and surfing and all, I came across an advertisement for a company that will allow you to get into a plastic inflated circle of death and roll on down the river.  Yes we could have all ended up as quadraplegics, but hey, it only cost 9 bucks each and if nothing else, we are all about life-threatening injuries for cheap.

Actually, what was on the forefront of my mind, and imminently more frightening (you know, more than my son's well-being and the possibility of his life being cut short) was how I was going to look getting into the stupid tube.  Because y'all...Mimi has put on a leetle poundage since her hey-day as a young and happening hipster.

Yes indeed.

And since the sun hates me, I get the added bonus of having the skin pallor of the undead.

So we rolled into the parking lot and a really bored (and tan) college guy comes out and shoves some paperwork at me that basically says, "BLAH, BLAH, can't sue us even if we're negligent...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...neither can your kids, or your friends or your friends' kids...sign here and good luck not dying, and if you lose our tube, you owe us twenty bucks."

The concern for the safety and well-being of their customers just rolled off the pages.

We go to the change rooms where I tried not to think about germs and MRSA and whatnot and I squeezed into my bathing suit.  I had a nice breezy black cover-up that didn't quite cover-up what I wanted to for my family's added enjoyment, I put on a pair of blue striped polyester cropped pants.

Quite the fashion plate I am.

We got our tubes and got on the shuttle which drove us to the drop-off point. In what I would term as a minor miracle, I managed to successfully get on my tube with the first try.  I paddled out to the middle of the stream where my husband and son were waiting floating away and tried to follow the rules that our shuttle driver imparted to us, which were a)don't die and b)don't go down the river backwards. 

Oh well, why didn't I think of that?

So naturally out of all the floats that were available I got the broken one, because no matter how hard I tried...I floated backwards.  And it appears that the Holy Spirit may have been trying to tell me something because my float went straight for the biggest boulders in the river.  Every. Time.

My husband tried shouting helpful things to me like, "Don't try to control it!  Just go with it!"

Oh really?  Hi, do you know me?  Your wife of twenty-one years?  Helicopter mom?

Eventually though...his words got through to me.  And there was actually a second where I let myself float and didn't try to steer anything.  And for that one moment I found that it was easier if I just let go and trusted that Jesus was not about to let me die in an innertube.

I'm sure there's a life-lesson in that for me somewhere.

By the time we got to our exit point I had even worked up enough courage to ask the fam if they wanted to go again.  Even though what I really wanted to do was you know...go home.  But they were hungry and were more interested in finding food than tempting God a second time, and honey, when they told me that it was all I could do not to break out in tongues and do the Holy Ghost buck and jive. 

Which I'm sure would have given all the out-of-towners and vacationers who were there with us a lot more sight-seeing than they really wanted.

And everybody said, "Amen."


  1. ALL I can say is...PICTURES, I would PAY large sums to see pictures! You are stinking hilarious. I'm glad you had a great time with Chris and Michael. Just note, this won't be your last time down the time I'm in TN, we're going again sister.
    Keep these blogs coming...I truly look forward to them.

    1. Well I'll keep my polyester cropped pants carefully preserved until you get here.

  2. Once again, I'm laughing. Out loud. So many funnies in there that gave me great giggles. " pallor of undead" and "break out in tongues and do Holy Ghost buck and jive". Loved loved those.

    You would be a hoot to go down a river with! I'm just sure. :)

    1. A hoot? Oh Missindeedy, you have no idea. No. I. Dea.

      Like I said, all I can do is claim insanity.

  3. I lol'ed as I pictured this. Because I have done the "walrus on the beach" myself trying to get into one of those! lol
    Love it! so funny! I needed this ;)

    1. Well...remember what the King James says...

      "Lol-ing doeth good like a medicine."

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  5. Loved it! The humor, the message. I have a feeling I will be one of those "helicopter" moms one day. I am a major control freak, learning to let loose of the reigns and let the real captain step in ;) I would never be able to do what you did lol. Yay Shayne!

    1. Hey there Amanda! was terrifying at first. I was all "What are people gonna think when they see me like this?" and "Am I gonna get hurt?"

      I wasn't thinking much beyond what was going to happen to me.

      But then I saw a girl who was bigger than me waddling back with her float in tow and I thought, "By golly...if she can do it I can!"

      Which I wasn't intending to be mean-spirited, but more like if someone who is weaker than I am, or in worse shape than me...can handle the pain in order to have a bit of joy...surely I can do it too.

      And I did. And whatever terror you're can do it too. Because trust me, there are people out there who are waaaaay more screwed up than you are..and they're having a ball. So why not jump on in and have some fun too?

      Gee whiz I just wrote another blog post in my comments section.