Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Ohio...Where Church Gets Done Right

Y'all.  I had the opportunity to go up to Ohio this past weekend and visit my cousin and her precious family.

The drive is easy...straight up I-75...for several hours.  Then 3 rights and I'm there.

I was so looking forward to the weekend...I was going up to do some training and meet some fabulous people (Sara, Katie, Brandy...I'm looking at you here) and just do some all around gabbing and gossiping (Oh, I'm sorry Jessica...I meant to say "praying") and catching up in general.

My cousin is a hoot and even though she's lived in Ohio for a hundred years a while, she still has the most southern accent of anybody I know.

And that's saying something. I was saying...the drive up to Ohio is pretty much a straight shot.  Nothing much to see except gorgeous views from the top of Jellico Mountain, beautiful horse ranches in Kentucky, and breath-taking sprawling farmland in Ohio.

Oh...and then there was this:

Photo from The Ohio State University.

Okay, okay...there weren't really Ohio State fans standing there doing the O-H-I-O.  But there was (I'll get to the "was" in a minute) what the locals lovingly referred to as "Touchdown Jesus."

Yep.  That is one giant statue of...well...You Know Who.

(Unfortunately, as I was driving by...I couldn't just whip out my camera and take a picture for you since doing that at speeds of 70-ish miles an hour is not advisable by the Department of Transportation.  Mimi did not want to end up in Jesus' arms right at that moment so she sagely followed that piece of advice.)

Now y'all...that is what I call doing church RIGHT.  Wanna "cast your net" and "be a fisher of men?" Erect a giant Jesus statue in your front yard in full view of the highway.  Why my goodness...the "fish" will be jumping into the net what with all the accidents caused by the copious amounts of rubbernecking!  All you have to do is have a faithful group on standby to thump 'em on the head with the Word as they're being wheeled into the ambulance.   This is nothing less than an act of sheer evangelical genius in my opinion.

But seriously y''s what's kept me awake nights since I've seen this:  why didn't they have Him doing the Heisman stance?  It would be like He was saying to all the traveling sinners, "Stop! In the Name of Love! Beeefore yew braaaake my heart!" (Because that is totally how Jesus would sing that song.)

Anyways...turns out that maybe Jesus (As in..The One and Only) didn't like the "Touchdown" version since (true story, you can Google it) "Touchdown Jesus" got hit by lightning in a bad thunderstorm and burned right on down to the ground.

But make no mistake my friends...this sad development did not deter our Ohio-an brethren and sistren.  Nosirree.

Lo, they picked themselves up off the ground, dusted themselves off and resurrected re-erected a new statue.

Photo by Sarahlobster (I did not make that name up) via Tumblr.

There ya go.  The newly improved...more loving and huggable Jesus.  Beat THAT southern bible belt-ers!

(Now...I know there are some of you reading this going..." can you make fun of Jesus?" Honey-buns...I'm not making fun of Jesus.  I love Him.  But I am poking fun at the group of Master Gold Level Believers at the church where Huggable Jesus is located.  However, I want you to know that though my tongue is planted firmly in my cheek, it is in sisterly love y'all. Sisterly love.)

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

All's "Hair" In Love And War

So just so that you don't think that Butterbean has dropped off of the face of the earth...(she totally hasn't...I mean but she HAS been a little busy what with walking and toddling and learning new words and basically being a toddler.  She's swamped.)

Here's a little convo we had just recently.  Please overlook the empty boxes and dead plants in the background.  It's not that I'm against cleaning up my front porch, it's just that I didn't do it BEFORE I started clicking away.

So...Butterbean has a little bit of an issue with her hair.  And she came to me, her very loving and very wise Mimi.

 Butterbean: Ummm...hey Mimi???
Me: Yes my little love?
Butterbean: Um, well, um could you maybe help me out with something?
Me: Of course I can, my angel.  What is it?
Butterbean: Oh,'s my hair I mean...

 ....just LOOK at it, it's just you know...LAYING there. And stuff.
Me: Uh-huh.  I see.  Well...have you thought about putting a little hair clip in it?
Butterbean: What's a hairclip?
Me: Well, I think I have one here (digging in pocket) um, yes, I do.  Here ya go kid.

 Butterbean:  What the heck is THAT?  It's the most WONDERFUL thing I have EVER SEEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!!
Me: 'Bean honey it's just a hair clip...let's dial down the enthusiasm just a bit mkay precious?

 Butterbean: YAY!!! I HAVE IT!!! I HAVE THE HAIRCLIP!!!! LOOK IT'S A HAIRCLIP!!! BY THE POWERS OF GREYSKULL...(wait Mimi...that's from He-Man.  I don't even know who He-Man is...)
Me: (Sorry) Um, yes baby, that's a hairclip.  Here...let me show you how to put it in...

 Butterbean: OKAY!

 Butterbean:'re gonna give that back right?  Mimi?

 Butterbean: Man, she is totally ignoring me right now.  I can't believe this.  What's the deal here?  Why did she take my hairclip?  I loved it so.

 Me: There you go precious!  What do you think?
Butterbean:  Oh yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.  Beyonce' ain't got nothin' on me baby!  Talk about puttin' a ring on betta put a HAIRCLIP on it girlfriend!

 Butterbean: Hold on a minute Mimi, I think you need a close-up of this.  Let me get on my ride and roll on over to you...
Me: Uh, 'Bean honey that's not really necessary...I have, like hundreds of shots here...

 Butterbean: Let me just scoot on a little get your camera ready Mimi!
Me: Uh...Bean that's close baby...just know...

 Butterbean: Just. a. little. closer.
Me: 'Bean I'm bout to fall off the porch honey...

Me: Uh 'Bean, honey this isn't normal darling.  Just BACK THAT PONY UP A LITTLE MIMI LOVES HER TOES DARLING!!! SHE'D LIKE TO KEEP THEM!!!

Butterbean: Are you ready Mimi?
Me: (Completely melted by those eyes) What toes?

 Butterbean: do I look?
Me: *sigh* Absolutely adorable.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Hi...I'm Mimi and I'm Melaninally Challenged...

Don't let the title confuse you.  I'm not mentally challenged (contrary to popular belief in the Mimi Supreme household) I am melaninally challenged.

Melaninally challenged - to be unable to scrape up enough melanin to produce anything close to resembling a tan. 

Webster's and Merriam you are welcome.  I'll be expecting a share of the royalties soon after my pet sea monkeys arrive in the mail.

Look y'all...what I'm trying to say is...I am not only a white woman...I'm a pale white woman.  And...I know...this is quite possibly the most trivial first-world problem EVER...but it IS an issue.

And OH do I ever have a lee-tle bone to pick with the local, ahem, "meteorologists" around here.  Oh, I know, I can't control the weather...blah blah blah, but here's the deal weather people:

If the month of the year is April, and you've got your happy (or as Phil Robertson would say...happy happy happy) little sunfaces showing on the tv screen here's what blows through the cavern that is my mind...


Thaaat's right.  Just because I can't use the sun's rays for what God intended them for...perfect honey-kissed skin...doesn't mean I'm not still affected by them.  I get WARM y'all!  So I use the capris for some air-conditioning AU NATURAL.

Cause y'all...nobody wants to see Mimi sweat.  Ain't nobody got time for that!

But what has happened this year? It's April.  I've got the sunfaces, I've got the capris, I've got my pale-ashy skin...which is now turning a nice shade of blue because OH MY LORD THE COLD!!!!

The sun (and the weather people) has hoodwinked me y'all.  I been had.  I tell ya I been bamboozled.  And a lot of sweet, innocent little passersby who woke up this morning with no idea of what was in store for them today are now having to have medical attention because SUNRAYS BOUNCING OFF OF PALE WHITE SKIN = TEMPORARY BLINDNESS.

Yes weather's possible that you are responsible for a small yet very devastating public health hazard.  Because even though Meatloaf thinks two out of three ain't bad (or in this instance, 4 out of 5) some is.

Very bad.

The only silver lining in this whole thing is the looks on my kids faces when Mimi breaks these bad puppies out.

It almost makes it worth the frostbite.