Sunday, February 2, 2014

Shattered, Scattered, Smothered and Covered

Gosh, I was a little scared to come back here.  Didn't even know if Blogger had saved my seat.  Mystery solved! (Thanks Blogger!) Insert nervous chuckle and handwringing here.

Shew.  This place smells and looks like the very thing that moved me to post today.


I've tasted a lot of it.  Take my word for it, it tastes nasty.  Maybe even worse than Regret.  I'm not sure, but I do know that even the mention of those words leave an acrid, bitter aftertaste in my mouth.


So many things have happened since my last post.  Butterbean moved out of my house…my son graduated high school and went into the Marines, and I became a Mimi for the 2nd time with the arrival of little Buster, who is now approaching 6 months old.  I got inexplicably mad at God, as if somehow all the upheaval was His fault instead of just being the natural order of things, and promptly went into a long and protracted pity party.

Good times.

So the weight loss goal? Chucked it.

Slightly witty writing that hopefully lifted someone's day a bit?  Gone.

But the navel-gazing?  Check.

Crying incessantly and doing my best to drive my loved ones to the brink? Oh yeah, baby.

Depression, despair and disillusionment?  Yep.

There were a few other things in there as well, but I'm pretty sure you've got the general idea.  For the last 6 months or so, I've been a self-absorbed, myopic, asinine, and miserably boring pain in the ass.

I know…the language…but really, is there any other way to put it without sounding ridiculously pious?

So what's changed?  Why now? Why here?  Why would I think anyone even cares?

All I can tell you is God.  Again.


I whine, cry, throw myself down on the ground and throw ashes all over myself.  He stands there, maybe rolls His eyes a bit at the drama, and He patiently holds out His hand and waits.  And waits.  And waits some more.

Every so often, a friend will stop by, see the spectacle, look at God, look at me, shake their head and sigh a bit.   Then, (for reasons known only to Him) because God has given them a love for me, they'll speak a bit of truth into me.

For instance:

A couple of months ago, at a church function, I was whining to some friends about how I was having some "issues" with God.  My friend very wisely looked at me and said, "It doesn't matter.  He doesn't really care."

Now, my friend wasn't saying that God didn't care about me.  Obviously, He does.  What he was pointing out was that my "issues" weren't big enough to scare God off.  God didn't care if I had issues or not.  He loved me regardless.

I stopped sniveling just long enough to let that sink in.  And Despair lost some of its grip.

So…here I am again.  Scarred and not a little bit sheepish, but ready to share more information than you really want to know once more.  Forgive my absence…and please forgive any silliness that may come from this point on.

I must say, I've missed you.  You look lovely.

I know, sweetie.  The winter has been long and dark and cold.

But, say it with me, spring is coming…and with it all the hope and joy and promise that He has set aside for His own…His beleaguered, battered and beloved.

So stick with me a little longer, eh?  It's gonna be a fun ride.


  1. Listen to your friends, they Love you! You'll get through this. If I can you can! I did with your help and prayers. You know you have mine anytime. Love Tater

  2. It's like I was looking in a mirror when I read this. If you took words out of my mouth...these were right on. These are exactly all that I've been feeling lately too. I love your honesty and openness in such a tough time. Thank you for this because I felt like someone FINALLY understood what I've been going through and what I've been feeling and thinking. But I wasn't bold enough to say it. Thank you, once again...for being you. It ministers more life than you realize. I've missed your posts! Love u friend :)