Saturday, September 15, 2012

Driving In The Car With Kids...A Guide

So I promised a second part to the whole vacay story.   So this week, in not-so-Paul-Harvey-esque fashion, I promise to relay the "rest of the story."

But first...a list.  Consider it a guide of sorts.

You're welcome.

1.  If you're planning on driving a car with a friend and two kids in the backseat for a significant distance, make sure you wait until the last minute to pack so that you won't go to bed until 3 hours before you're supposed to leave.  And then as you slide into the driver's seat...tell your friend that you didn't get any sleep.  This is to build up her confidence that she and her offspring will survive the drive.

2.  Make sure that your route is filled with as many mountainous roads and switchback turns as possible.  This will ensure that your friend at least will stay awake even if you can't.  Also, if you're gonna go off the side of the mountain...then at least one of you should get the "full effect."

3.  Don't be afraid of eighteen-wheelers.  Get as close to them as you can. If you can coast in their blind-spot, so much the better!  This will give your friend an opportunity to get closer to Jesus, as she will certainly call out His name several times.

4.  Take the time to plan a vacation at a destination you've never actually had to drive to before.  This will give your lazy GPS lady a workout and goodness knows she needs one.   It will also give your friend something other than the door-handle to clutch as you go barrelling around those switchback curves.

5.  Get friendly with your gas pedal.  This is because your lazy, good-for-nothing, cheap, worthless GPS lady will give you wrong directions...and you'll want to be able to show off your donut skillz while performing numerous "legal" u-turns in traffic.

6.  Be observant.  You want to make sure to point out those stop signs and various shrubbery to the kids because they might not have noticed them the first 8 times you passed them.

7.  Don't forget to call your husband en route to let him know that your tires feel funny and your engine light just came on.  Do this in front of your friend...that way you kill two birds with one stone and can possibly spark a revival, as this will up the amount of spirit-filled prayer that your friend is now doing non-stop; not to mention all the "special" language now being uttered by your husband (who is hundreds of miles away).  Remember, where two or more are gathered together....

8.  When filling up your tank in a strange city, go to the one with bars on all the windows and a parking lot filled with "hooptys" bouncing lots of bass and gangsta rap.  This will help the two youngsters in the backseat get the full message behind Elvis' classic hit "In The Ghetto."  Because vacations don't always have to be filled with fun and sun.  They can be educational too.

9.  Take only cash with you.  That way, when you're in above-mentioned gas station, you can flash it to any and all passers-by as you go in to pay.  But make sure you take your car keys with you into the station, as your friend may by now be slightly over-reacting and won't unlock the car door without a certain amount of "encouragement."

10.  Buy candy for the kids to gobble up in the back seat.  This move cannot be overstated as it will improve the chance for a full sugar melt-down right as you're pulling into your destination and are getting ready to unload the car.  Your friend will appreciate the fact that her kids have demonstrated their vocal abilities to the entire establishment, because who doesn't love a "grand entrance?"

So...that's it.  My guide to traveling by car with other people.  And kids.  I have no copyright on this guide, so feel free to tweak it with your own special variations and make it "yours."

Also, no children or friends were harmed in the making of this guide.  At least...not physically.

1 comment:

  1. Lol, I couldn't help but laugh almost the entire time I was reading this. I love your goofy sense of humor when you write. It's very refreshing :)