One Year Later

Well...it's here.  The anniversary we didn't want to have. 

It's been one year since you left us.  Well...maybe I should correct that.  You left us a long time ago, but your body didn't give out until a year ago.

A lot has changed in this past year.  A lot has stayed the same.  I'm still married to your son.  I still love him and he still loves me (most times) and we still fight to stay together every day.

Your grandbabies are now adults mostly.  K will be 20 this year and C will be 18.  And your great-grandbaby...sweet Butterbean, will soon be a year old.  You never got to meet her in the flesh.  You left 6 weeks before she arrived.  6 measley weeks.

You would not believe how much she is K made over.  You would be in love with her and she would be in love with you.  I wish that the anticipation of her arrival had been enough to convince you to stay. 

I wish we would have been enough...your family.  I know losing your husband six months earlier was hard.  It was unbearable for all of us.  But seriously...you couldn't have fought a little harder?  Worked a little more to find a reason to live?

Butterbean has her mama's eyes.  And the exact same hair.  There are days when her Bops and I look at her and it takes our breath because she reminds us so strongly of K when she was that age.  She'll be walking in a few short weeks.  And not long after that we'll be celebrating her first birthday.

And we'll be thinking of you.  And wishing you were here.

I remember when K turned a year old and those first years as a mother.  Man, I was so insecure and so uptight about everything.  You and I definitely did not see eye to eye on a lot of things as far as she was concerned, but there was one thing I was never in doubt about.  I knew you loved her.

Probably in ways you didn't even think you could love.  I'm sure it took you by surprise.  I know you didn't want to be a grandmother at that time.  I know you were too young.

I know because I'm too young. 

But none of that mattered once the baby arrived.  All that mattered was her and making sure she was loved and spoiled in all the ways a granddaughter should be.  I'm sorry I ruined some of that for you by being so insecure and so worried about things that didn't matter.

I'm sorry I helped to make it into a competition for you.  I get it now.  I know what it's like to try to erase regret by trying to be Mimi Supreme.  I'm trying not to do that to K but it's very hard.  She doesn't have the benefit of hindsight like you and I do.  I keep trying to remember that, but I fail at it a lot.

I believe that you have finally found the peace that eluded you here on earth, because I believe in the mighty hand of our merciful and just God.  I know that you see and know now, all the things you couldn't see and know before.  And I'm glad.  I'm glad you can finally see all the love that we have had for you all these years.  I'm glad you can finally rest enough to let it in.

I just wanted to say that to you today.

And that even through all of the crap, and the what ifs, and the wishing it could have been otherwise...we still love you.

I still love you.

I wish you were here.  *sigh*

But you're not.

Anyway...happy anniversary.

My Baby's A Senior...Wait..What?

JEEZ-O-PETE y'all!!!  My sweet son, the one I introduced y'all to little bit ago?  Is now officially a senior in high school.

My BABY!!! *sob* WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

(I'd upload a picture, but really...does anyone want to see a middle-aged, slightly plump woman lose it?  In some cases...the imagination is truly much better than the reality. Trust me on this.)

We took him to Waffle House to eat breakfast this morning. Because nothing spells "class" like a side of hash browns, smothered, covered and chopped. 

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this to you all before or not, but Mimi is not what one would term as a "morning person."  That's usually why my posts (what there are of them these days) usually don't show up until after 10 in the am.  Because that's usually about the time my speech starts to become coherent.

Add to that a wee bit of hunger and a smidge of impatience, and PRESTO! All of this non-morning person-ness ended up in a slightly unpleasant encounter with our waitress. 

It all started innocently enough...my husband refused to order any breakfast and I was concerned, and was all "Hon-EEE you need to ORder something." (I'm sure the whiney tone in my voice blending with the Bob Seger tune blaring out of the jukebox added just the right touch of ambience and tranquility for our little family outing.)

As soon as the words popped out of my mouth the waitress said to him, "Oooh...you just got the EVIL eye."

Now y'all...I know what the bible says about showing mercy and forgiveness and what-not.  But as I said, my brain doesn't work well in the wee morning hours of 7 - ish...so I may have forgotten all about Jesus and Peter's little chat about the 70 times 7 stuff. 

That waitress may or may not have been given a tip.  Because really?  Random strangers calling you out on your non-morning glory ways just does NOT inspire generosity in most cases.

So you can see how my son's First Official Day Of Senior Year started off with a real bang.  He got to see his mom being a paragon of Christian compassion and overflow with desire to be "Jesus with skin on." To all you young mothers out there, if you EVER need advice on how to send your kid off properly to school...I'm your gal.

I'd post a picture of how thrilled my son was to have started school this morning, but it turns out that my smartphone is not so smart.  I told it to upload a picture to FB this morning at roughly 7:15.  As of now it has uploaded exactly 0% of that one little picture. 

Whoever said we don't war against flesh and blood must not have ever owned a smartphone or eaten at Waffle House.